My Biggest Fear…

So this is a bit of an off topic ramble from me… Do I even have specific topics these days? Lots of rambling seems to occur! Anyway.. those of you that know me outside of my onscreen ramblings already know this embarrasing secret of mine but this is something I’ve never shared with my little corner of the Internet.

So here goes… I am absolutely unbelievably terrified of the dark! I have been for as long as I can remember. Winter months are torture for me with the darkness falling in the afternoon & the sun not rising until later in the morning. Not to mention a husband that works away & living on a private road with no street lights. horrific. 
I seem to be consumed by my fear of darkness at the moment & I really am finding it difficult. It’s a hard one to explain, when I’m out in the dark I struggle to get a proper grip on reality & my mind spins & tortures me with scary thoughts of what could be hidden in the pitch black shadows. I’m not talking monsters… My mind wanders with thoughts of masked murders, rapists, kidnappers, ghosts & other paranormal happenings. 
I haven’t watched a scary movie in about 5 years after my phobia reached its peak. I used to really enjoy scary movies however as soon as night time arrived I would curse myself for allowing myself to watch something so scary as all of the dark images & thoughts swirled in my mind. 
At 20 It got to the point where I decided it was time to speak to someone about my embarrassing fear. Things had got so bad that I was parking my car so close to my front door that I looked like some kind of crazy lady… I had to be able to open my car door & have one foot in reach of the doorstep. After visiting my parents my dad would have to walk me to my car  & stay on the doorstep until I was down the drive – at which point I would turn my internal car light on (not safe, I know). I was experiencing heart palpitations, pins & needles in my hands (which the Dr later told me was infact me hyperventilating) & shortness of breath. I was basically having panic attacks every time I was subjected to my fear… which unfortunately for me was daily.
After speaking to a very lovely Dr that made me feel really comfortable & not at all silly, she referred me for a type cognitive therapy. It was embarrassing & I was to undergo many sessions to try & get to the bottom of what it was I was scared of. It’s hard to explain to someone what your scared of when you don’t even know yourself. Ive come to the conclusion that with me it’s the fear of the unknown. I found the therapy to be pretty useless & had just accepted that it’s something I would have to live with. 
Having a husband that works offshore makes the fear even more prominent, coming home daily to an empty dark house & going to bed alone terrifies me every day. For many other fears people can put them to the back of their mind… Fears of snakes for example – you just wouldn’t watch anything with snakes & avoid them at the zoo. With a fear of the dark it’s something I know I will have to face every day. I dread the evenings & tend to stay upstairs with the girls after I have put them to bed.
I go from room to room turning on & off lights like it’s some kind of game show competition, the light has to be on in the room I’m going in to before the light can be off in the room I am leaving.. writing it down I realise how utterly ridiculous it sounds but for me that is how it has to be. 
Unfortunately Mini Meldrum has started picking up on this terrible flaw of mine & I am constantly trying to reinforce to her that there is nothing to be afraid of. She used to be so brave & now has to have lights on before going into a room & sleeps with a night light every night. When there’s an unusual noise she is instantly looking at me with a worried look on her face & sometimes is the one that tries to reassure me by automatically saying “it’s just the fridge Mummy”… this is not what I want. I have once again started looking int hypnosis, I would like to try and curb the issue before it deeply effects Mini M,  the last thing I want is for her to grow up with a huge fear of the dark like mine… and know that I was responsible for causing it.

I would be intrigued to hear if any of you have a fear of the dark, or if anyone had tried hypnotherapy for eliminating fears and if it worked?

For some it might sound ridiculous but it really is a very real & terrifying phobia for me. 

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